750 Topic: Create a Level of Hell Appropriate for Those Guilty of Being Inconsiderate Neighbors.

26 08 2010

I may or may not have inconsiderate neighbors.

I may or may not vent about them regularly.

I may or may not wish them a special kind of hell.

I will neither confirm nor deny any of the above, BUT…

…If I did have neighbors like that…

and I did wish a special kind of hell for them…

then this is the type of hell worthy of them…

[For the sake of this ‘hypothetical’ supposition, I’ve included some examples of ‘fictitious’ events (sadly more factual than satirical). Should any of the following happen to reflect events that you may be guilty of committing then grow the hell up or do me a favor and MOVE away from me!]

For rude, selfish, inconsiderate neighbors who park all over the place, block other neighbor’s yards and driveways with their cars, leave their trash can out every day of the week and all over the place, move other neighbors’ trash cans all over the place, play music too loud, storm up and down the stairs, thump the bass on the movies they watch, pound on walls, bang on pipes, ignore attempts by others to be courteous, look at you blankly when you attempt to greet them, rev their engine…well, there just has to be a special ring of hell for people like them. [Wrote a song about it. Like to hear it? Here it goes…]

I like to think that it is because they are young and don’t understand what it is like to have to share walls with others that neighbors are inconsiderate and rude.  However, after seeing how the mother of one particular neighbor [that I may or may not have] behaved when asked to turn the stereo down, I realize that, in some cases at least,  it is more likely the result of how they were reared.

Neighbors like that seem convinced they are somehow more entitled than the others.  That they are somehow above following the guidelines for common courtesy that the rest of the neighborhood follows to assure that EVERYONE is happy in their home.

Therefore, I think their special ring of hell would have to include the following:

A single wide trailer in a cramped and dirty trailer park that has poor plumbing, window unit air-conditioners, and a trailer park full of toothless rednecks with poor personal hygiene.  Hygiene so poor that the reek permeates every inch of every surface everywhere in the trailer park.

Packs of rabid dogs roaming aimlessly over every inch of the property leaving big stinking piles of shit all over that no one picks up, only adding to the disgusting odor of the place.

The neighbors should be the sort who scream incessantly at each other at all hours of the day and night, play their music too loud, and who basically just dump their trash out the side door of their trailer allowing it to pile up for weeks on end before (if ever) carting it off to the dump.

Most of all, however, his [I mean, NAMELESS Inconsiderate Neighbor] car would need to suffer.  So no garage, no protective structure of any sort, not even a car port leaving the car exposed constantly to the elements.

I envision the neighbor kids would occasionally pelt it with balls, frisbees, trash and run into it while on their skateboards and bikes so that it was covered with dents.  Rust would be a nice touch.  Perhaps every now and then a drunk neighbor would puke on it, dogs would pee on it, and vengeful neighbors would key the cars in retribution for the way that they are treating their neighbors around them.

Obviously there would have to be absolutely no recourse for responding to the inconsiderate actions of their neighbors. They would need to suffer wondering how to survive living next to people so clueless and inconsiderate with the knowledge that nothing they could do or say would make a difference.

They should be sick and tired one evening, looking for nothing more than their bed and some peaceful sleep only to find that all of the neighbors around them were throwing a loud, obnoxious party. Not only would they be kept awake and uncomfortable, but there would be nothing they could do and not way for them to escape the noise.

Cops would visit regularly to remind them that they chose to move there, that their neighbors had every right to behave the way they did, and that they knew when they moved in that they would be sharing space with others.  If they wanted to live in peace, then they should have bought a single family home on a decent sized lot.

The alternative would include neighbors, a builder, and an HOA (or two) who did nothing but ride them incessantly whenever they were inconsiderate and disrespectful teaching them that such behavior as theirs was not to be tolerated and that their only alternative would be to move to a galaxy far, far away.

[end scene]

…what a stretch that was for me to come up with so many examples of such a horrible knob of a neighbor-that, kids, is what you call CREATIVE writing…


Seriously? No really, I’m asking…SERIOUSLY?

11 03 2010

It is completely understandable, it happens all the time, and especially in parking lots.

I realize, sir, that you were probably a little shaken up after having rear-ended another vehicle in the restaurant, but did you really have to BLOCK IN *MY* CAR while you exchanged information slower than snails?

Forget the heart attack I suffered seeing someone with a dent on the front end of their light colored car that had dark colored paint on it parked behind my car while people were exchanging words.  And yes, please ignore me as I look to make sure that dark colored paint wasn’t from MY car, the one you have blocked into its parking spot.

Honestly though, at lunch time on a weekday you, in your admittedly shaken (and I’m not convinced not ‘drunken’) state, couldn’t have pulled up just a little further to stop and exchange information? The woman you hit had her vehicle well out of the way.  You obviously didn’t hit her behind my car so you had to have parked there.

Why for the love of all that is good in this world did you ignore me when I looked imploringly at you as I walked past your car to get to mine?

Why did woman just shrug when I looked imploringly at her when I realized you didn’t allow enough space for me to exit between you and the car parked next to me (aside: I parked on an end space so I’d only have one car next to out of concern that one less wingnut have opportunity to harm my not quite 1 year old (to me) car)?

When I asked nicely that you pull forward did you continue to ignore me? I was TRYING to be considerate.  I even waited a bit thinking to myself, ‘how long could this take? SURELY they must almost be done by now!’

NOPE.  So I waited a bit more until I realized I was now almost 30 minutes late getting back to work because of YOUR accident. Then you did the unthinkable and you got out of your car and WALKED AWAY! So yes, I yelled and I cursed (and I am LOUD and I curse WELL), but you STILL refused to budge (not helping my theory that you were drunk, by the way), acknowledge my existence, or even  notice the inconvenience you were causing me (not helping my compassion for your situation one teensy tiny bit).

I reassessed the situation, immediately discarding the idea of just backing out and taking your heap along with me as I went. I dug deep, I took a few cleansing breaths (HA, I *snorted* with rage, but it had a somewhat cleansing effect), and I channeled my family’s long history of car maneuvering abilities (my uncle can park  SIX 1950 vintage convertibles into a garage with two doors meant to be a 2 car garage with workshop area) before I performed a miracle maneuver WITHIN my parking space (did I mention I was in a CUV parked next to an SUV with a jackass parked on my ass? not a lot of wiggle room) so that I could ease my car out between your vehicle and the SUV next to me with my back-up alarm losing its shit because of the proximity of the other two vehicles (NOT helping my mood towards you AT ALL).

And guess what? THAT is the EXACT moment you chose to return to your car (still ignoring me and my efforts to escape the predicament you created for me)! And when I was almost clear of your car, THAT is the EXACT moment you chose to FINALLY move your P.O.S. That was also the exact moment when I almost completely lost it and jumped out of my car window to beat you to a bloody pulp.

Perfect timing, Jackass! Yes, I did yell that at you. Yes I did yell, now as I was almost clear of your fucking vehicle and you were finally going to move your car, that if you decided to move any direction other than forward and caused me to hit your car in the process I would most certainly kick your ass.

Trust me, that was no threat, it was a promise.  I wouldn’t have succeeded, having never actually hit anyone in my life, but I would have tried like hell and in the process you would have received the tongue lashing of your life.  That IS something with which I’m very experienced and quite adept too, if I do say so myself.

Here is some free advice for future such occasions:

1. At the VERY least acknowledge the innocent 3rd party’s existence. Maybe even apologize for inconveniencing them and offer to move your vehicle if it is blocking their way.

2. Don’t ever flip the bitch-switch on a Type-A Red Head unless you arrived willing to get the horns.

You’re welcome.